A night turns to a day, a street I've never walked on
I was never here. I'm just a faint reflection
The day turns to a month, a second of affection
I was never here. I'm just a faint reflection
Sleepwalking - The Birthday Massacre
homepage | multiverse | dreamwidth | moodtheme

[ march 22nd 2022 @ 9:05am ]

happy world water day
[mood| thirsty]
[tunes| charli xcx]

It's world water day, and 9 years since my mom's funeral. When she died, she was fighting for access to clean drinking water for her community that had been drinking tainted water for more than a decade.

This was in Southern California, Wildomar to be exact. Link to the story about how my family almost lost their home over this.

I spent the last week learning about the town of Hinkley, California. If that doesn't ring a bell... maybe the name Erin Brockovich will????

Hinkley was a desert town that had its water source poisoned by PG&E in the 50s and 60s. The water is still contaminated to this day, and the town of Hinkley is quickly becoming a modern ghost town. Many residents have been forced to sell to the company and walk away from their dream homes. PG&E then bulldozed most of the lots they purchased. The town of Hinkley is literally disappearing, stemming from the right to clean drinking water.

The water in Hinkley was poisoned with a hexavalent-chromium compound. It's highly carcinogenic. That same compound has been found in the water in Lake Elsinore. Maybe its in your water, too.

How can a company force you to pay for a utility that you have to have running in order to keep your house but tell you that the water is unable to be used and is dangerous?? It's fucked up! I think people in America are conditioned to believe that we have access to all of the best resources.. and that is not always the case. There are STILL communities TODAY whos water plight has not been brought to attention. There are communities that don't even realize they are being poisoned.

I'm not saying water is bad. Water is amazing. Water is life. We all deserve CLEAN water!!!!

[ march 7th 2022 @ 08:51am ]

getting our kicks on route 66
[mood| happy]
[tunes| n/a]
We had a nice little adventure through California and Arizona today. Pictures to come later but here’s the highlights. . .

💖Lunch on the shore of the Colorado river, looking at Laughlin & some goats on the little island
🧡 Got 2 more historic markers photographed & visited the Von Schmidt boundary line
💛 Said hi to the wild burros in Oatman. Oliver has a heart marking on his bum!
💚 Drove some hairpin turns down Route 66 to Sitgreaves where we sat overlooking California, Nevada and Arizona. Many people have turned this site into a makeshift memorial site. A beautiful resting place. I think I lost my orca purse from Marcie here though and that makes me super bummed ☹️
💙 Visited an old Route 66 spot called Shaffer Springs. There are some rock stairs built into the side of the mountain where a shallow pool houses goldfish. You shouldn’t put them in there. There was food so we fed them. I truly didn’t expect to see any in there.

♡ here’s to all the places we went & here’s to all the places we’ll go & here’s to me whispering again and again: I love you 😘♡

[ february 18th 2022 @ 10:56am ]

i'm not meant to play this part
[mood| intimidated]
[tunes| the birthday massacre]
Look at me I will never pass for a perfect bride or a perfect daughter. Can it be I'm not meant to play this part? Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself I would break my family's heart... Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Somehow I cannot hide who I am, though I've tried. When will my reflection show who I am inside?

planning a wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life. how do you begin to talk about when it's not?

and it's not like the unhappy feelings are coming from a place where you're thinking, "oh, she just must not want to be married". i've been in this relationship for fifteen years. it's something i've wanted for a long time.

its brought up a lot of feelings for me that have been hard to articulate. i just didn't have the words, and i still don't but i feel like i maybe have a little bit to help me explain.

i think the word i'm looking for is IMPOSTER SYNDROME. it's something i have felt for a long time but these last couple of months have exacerbated it.

how do you plan a wedding when you don't feel like you deserve one? growing up female meant that media was constantly shoving the idea of a perfect bride down my throat.

just moments after i was proposed to, fear flooded my brain. i'm not skinny enough. i'm not pretty enough. my hair isn't groomed properly. my nails aren't manicured to show off a ring (let alone shop for the ring of my dreams). i don't have family or friends to fill out the traditional roles. i don't have enough money to throw an extravagant party.. but did i even want one? what was going to happen if i decided to go to the courthouse and do something lowkey? would i regret it? should i go out of town to make it feel more special? but then it loops back into...i'm not skinny enough or photogenic enough to pay a photographer to take worthy photos of me. i shouldn't even make such a deal about myself. i shouldn't take up space.

i thought i was over my body issues. i thought i didn't care about numbers. i thought i didn't care about others opinions. but it's easy to do when you've shut yourself away from the world. i didn't want to hide anymore. i wanted to shout from the rooftops "hey look! we're finally taking the next step! im so fucking happy!" but my brain has had other plans. i sit at my computer trying to figure out what it is i want to do and it often leads to tears. a real deep seeded (is it seated? i don't even know) woe that i haven't felt in a long time. it comes from deep within. it hurts.

it doesn't help that i have seen actual posts from wedding photographers shaming their brides for being "too fat" or "too ugly" to be celebrating such a big moment. it doesn't help that growing up, my family picked on me for being bigger. im not even that big. it's just that you can't escape the constant pressure to be thin. i am a product of the 90s and the 2000s advertising campaigns. i hate that they have been able to steal such an important moment from me. how many others were taken away bc i felt uncomfortable in my own skin?

how do you talk about it without feeling shame? how do you talk about it without people just brushing it off as the usual wedding cold feet?

i dunno, i'm just really struggling right now and i feel alone. i did not realize how alone i truly was.

i just want everything to be perfect.

[ february 17th 2022 @ 6:32pm ]

my slice of the american pie
[mood| grateful]
[tunes| kreayshawn]
Did your caretakers decorate your home for the holidays or seasons growing up?? Do you do the same now? I don't have any children myself, but one of my favorite things about having my own house is being able to decorate for the seasons.

My friends think its cheesy and a waste of time or money. I think it brings color and fun into my life. It doesn't matter what they say, it doesn't bother me (it's my house, literally 0 guests have been over in 2 years so why do I care what anyone says lol).

I asked one of my friends why they don't decorate for their children besides the big holidays (Christmas or maybe Halloween). Their response was "Did you find decorating your parents house fun as a child? Cuz I sure as fuck didn't"

I did find it fun. I felt that it was something we didn't get to do much after awhile because a) decorations cost money and we were kind of poor growing up and b) why decorate the outside of your house when you live in the middle of no where and people won't see it?

I felt left out. I would see the decorations in the store. I would see the decorations in a few of my friends houses. I guess it's just some weird symbol of "Americana" to me. Like you have your life together. Like everything is perfect.

This post includes pictures of my Valentine's & St Patricks entryway tables.

I am thankful to be in a position where my fiance can splurge on things like this to make me happy.

[ january 29th 2022 @ 7:23pm ]

steps toward the future
[mood| determined]
[tunes| owl city]
Tired of feeling like 💩, mentally and physically, so I’m taking steps (haha get it 👣) to change that.

We bought this treadmill. For my confidence. For my mental health. For my physical well-being. For my heart ❤️.

A few minutes in and my lungs already can’t take it. Grasping for breath and thinking about how this must be like my mom felt with her severely reduced lung capacity (as a kid I could never understand… what do you mean you can’t breathe and walk across the house?)

I have to remind myself it’s ok to start small. Moving your body, even just a little bit, is better than not at all.

Thankful I have a fiancé 😘 who supports me and my decisions and that we are in a place to be able to do this.

It’s scary making a life change. A commitment to yourself.

[ january 14th 2022 @ 2:37pm ]

it's lemon season~
[mood| hungry]
[tunes| the birthday massacre]
It's lemon season! Did you know we can grow lemons here in the mojave? Our house came with a nice and large lemon tree. The tree has produced hundreds of lemons for us in the last 2 years.

The lemons take like an entire year to grow. My tree already has some brand new lemon blossoms, but the bulk of the flowers won't start until spring. The bees love it! I always assumed that lemons were a summer fruit.. but they do not ripen until December!

I am swimming in lemons and I'm not sure what to do with them all. So far this season I have given roughly 50 lemons to my fiances co-workers, and I've easily juiced more than 50 for lemonade.

Fresh squeezed lemonade is simply the best

My fiance's favorite thing to bake with our lemons is a moist lemon loaf cake. We use the recipe from Plated Cravings.

for the lemon pound cake
1½ cups flour
1½ tsp baking powder
1 tbsp lemon zest
½ tsp salt
½ cup unsalted butter, room temp
1 cup granulated sugar
2 large eggs, room temp
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 tbsp lemon juice
½ cup buttermilk

for the lemon syrup
¼ cup lemon juice
3 tbsp powdered sugar

for the lemon icing
1 cup powder sugar, sifted
1½ tbsp lemon juice
1 tbsp milk

  1. Preheat oven to 350°F (177°C). Grease a 9x5-inch (or 8x4-inch) loaf pan.

  2. In a medium bowl combine the flour, baking powder, lemon zest, and salt. Set aside.

  3. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment (or using an electric mixer), cream the butter and sugar together at medium-high speed until pale and fluffy, about 4-6 minutes. Scrape the sides of the bowl as needed.

  4. With the mixer running on low-speed, add the eggs one at a time, then beat in the vanilla extract and lemon juice. Beat on medium-high speed until combined.

  5. With the mixer on low, add about one-third of the flour mixture and mix until almost combined, then add half the buttermilk and mix until just combined. Repeat with another third of flour mixture and then the last half of the buttermilk, ending with the last third of the flour. Beat until just incorporated.

  6. Scrape the batter into the prepared loaf pan and bake for 45-55 minutes until the cake is golden brown and a toothpick comes out mostly clean with only a couple moist crumbs. Baking times vary, so keep an eye on yours.

  7. Let the cake cool for about 15 minutes in the pan. Stir together the lemon juice and confectioners’ sugar for the lemon syrup. Carefully invert the loaf pan, and transfer the cake to a cooling rack, then brush the syrup on the cake while it’s still warm. Allow cake to cool completely.

  8. When the cake is cooled, combine all the icing ingredients, start with 1 tbsp lemon juice and milk and add the remaining lemon juice as needed. The icing should be thick and not runny. Pour icing over cake and let dry before serving.

[ september 4th 2021 @ 11:55pm ]

pumpkin spice and everything nice
[mood| full]
[tunes| adore delano]
I made my first pumpkin spice cake of the season. Technically.. my first pumpkin spice cake ever! Fun fact.. I just tried pumpkin pie for the very first time in 2020! Why did I let my tastebuds go without this cultural staple for so many decades?!

I used my new skeleton loaf pan from Nordicware. I purchased the pan at Target yesterday. I knew I had to grab it before everyone bought up the stock. Baking supplies seem to be a hot item (I also purchased the spiderweb waffle maker).

The cake slid out of the pan super easily with just a little bit of butter and flour. The skeleton design was bold, but I am not delicate nor skilled enough to decorate him properly. I just threw some cream cheese frosting on the top. The frosting to cake ratio needs to be worked on, but other than that.. it was really thick and moist!

Who says you need to wait for cooler weather to enjoy autumn activities?? It was 100°F here today!

I used this recipe from savingdessert.com.

½ cup granulated sugar
½ cup lightly packed light brown sugar
2 large eggs
½ cup vegetable or canola oil
¾ cup canned pumpkin puree (not pie filling)
⅓ cup buttermilk, well shaken
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup all-purpose flour
¾ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease the sides and bottom of an 8 ½ by 4 inch loaf pan. Set aside.

  2. In a medium mixing bowl, whisk together the sugars, eggs and vegetable oil until smooth.

  3. Add the pumpkin puree, buttermilk and vanilla to the egg mixture and whisk until combined.

  4. Place a fine mesh sieve / sifter over the bowl with the egg and buttermilk mixture. Add the flour, baking soda, salt and spice to the sieve and sift over the bowl with the egg mixture. Use a rubber spatula to gently fold the dry ingredients into the egg and buttermilk mixture. Blend until smooth.

  5. Pour the batter into the prepared pan and sprinkle with turbinado sugar, if using.

  6. Bake at 350 degrees F for 50 to 55 minutes or until the center is set and firm to the touch, and the cake is lightly browned and cracked down the middle.

  7. Remove and allow the cake to rest for 10 to 15 minutes, then remove to a wire rack to cool. Drizzle with icing if desired.

[ august 29th 2021 ]

[mood| confused]
[tunes| waterparks]

Have you ever dealt with phantosmia or olfactory hallucinations?

I have been haunted by a phantom smell for the last several days, and this isn't the first time it's happened.

In 2019, I lived in an apartment complex and just told myself that the smell was one of our many neighbors who happened to be a smoker.

It happened again last year. We had already moved into our own house. My boyfriend and I were both cigarette smokers in the past, and were currently vaping at this point. I kept asking my boyfriend if he could smell the smoke, and he said no. I was convinced it had to do with the coils in the electronic cigarette devices. I made him vape outside. I quit all together (go me~)

The smell has returned. Once again, I am the only one who can smell it. No one has smoked cigarettes in our house that we know of. It's so strong to me. Overwhelming. Nauseating. Distracting. Last night I went to sleep with my nose in a container of fruity pebble wax melts to try to mask the scent.

I looked on the internet for some answers, and got everything from depression and sinus infections to schizophrenia and brain tumors.

Some websites said that it could be the sign of a ghost visiting you. My mom was a heavy smoker. Is that you mom? You stink. :(

Another one said it was the "smoke of hell"!!!!! Very very reassuring..... O_O

Has this ever happened to you?

I'm trying to not freak myself out, lol.

[ august 12th 2021 ]

Vaccine Advice from a Needlephobic
[mood| sympathetic]
[tunes| alexz johnson]

Tomorrow I go in for my 2nd Covid-19 vaccine. I never thought I would be excited for a shot. I've suffered from debilitating needle/doctor/dentist phobia my entire life. That's more than 3 decades! What a difference having a compassionate medical team makes.

Are you scared of needles too? Here's how I got through it!:

  • I purchased this stuff called Aspercreme 4% Lidocaine No Mess Applicator from my local Walgreens. I started rubbing it on my entire upper arm about 2-3 hours before my appointment. I applied more in the car on the way there.
  • I communicated with the staff that I had a phobia. They were very understanding. If you are having a hard time, bring someone you trust with you to help support you. My facility was very accomodating and I didn't have to speak to them myself until it was time for my vitals.
  • The nurses had a product called Cold Spray that they used on me. I did not get a look at which brand it was because I had my eyes shut and turned away. It works to numb the area. Between this and my previous product, I did not feel a thing.
  • I brought my music player and headphones as a distraction. I played my favorite band Waterparks and their song "Numb".

Here are some other tips I've learned from being in needle phobia groups the last few weeks:

  • If you have a doctor that you see regularly, try asking for a prescription for some EMLA Cream. This is stronger than the cream you can buy in the store. All of the phobics I saw online swore by it. You need to put it a generous amount on your arm hours before & cover it with plastic wrap to heat activate it.
  • Depending on how much time you have before your appointment, you can look into getting some TKTX shipped to your house. I have not used this, but it looks to include the same stuff as EMLA cream + some other stuff.
  • This cute little bee on the side is called a "buzzy". It uses an ice pack and vibrating sensations to numb and distract you during a shot process.
  • Talk to your doctor about getting a prescription for some kind of anti-anxiety medication. This can take a lot of trial and error finding a drug and dosage that works best for you. Please do not do this without doctor recommendations. These drugs can be addictive and deadly!
  • If you are prone to fainting, this is called a vasovagal syncope response. I have read that to help your body counter that, you can squeeze and tense the other muscles in your body that are not getting an injection.

Please please PLEASE get vaccinated, convince your friends and family to get vaccinated! It truly saves lives! You don't want your entire family to die! It happened to my little brothers friend :( Wear your masks, social distance, be smart and responsible! We can get through this, but only if we all work together!

[ july 29th 2021 ]

girl in the graveyard review
[mood| rejuvenated]
[tunes| slayyyter]

The other day I signed into Instagram and saw a sponsored ad that caught my eye. It was brightly colored Halloween themed body products from Girl in the Graveyard

I checked out her shop and spent the whole day thinking about how badly I wanted to make a purchase.

I settled on the Strange and Unusual collection, although I also have Monster Mash and Zombie on my wishlist along with the other new items she’s dropped since the weekend.

I have tried out the foaming sugar scrub and it smells soo good. Like skittles or some other candy. It’s very familiar but I can’t quite name them.

Scent Profile: Fresh citrus notes of lime and orange, a blend of berry and cherry with leafy green accents and a base of vanilla.

I’m really happy I found this shop. It’s vegan, ethically sourced, cruelty free, cute, colorful and spooky all in one. This is the first time I’ve ever bought something off a sponsored ad and I’m not disappointed.

Check her out if you’re looking for yourself or wanna buy me more 🤣

@girl.in.the.graveyard 👻 // Girl in the Graveyard // https://girlinthegraveyard.shop

homepage | multiverse | dreamwidth | moodtheme